Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
