I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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