I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
