I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
