its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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