Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
