I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
