Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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