I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
