beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My Sexting was not on an AP level
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize