If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
