Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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