Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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