When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
