I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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