at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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