That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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