If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize