i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
