Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
