but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
