oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
