it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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