Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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