Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
