What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
