I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
