I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
