Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
