He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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