If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i drank out of a bidet.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
