i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
