Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dicks are not precious.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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