The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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