i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
