There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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