He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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