you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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