The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
