Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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