awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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