Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
