At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
