My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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