I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
