I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
