So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
