I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
