Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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