Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
