By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
