Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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