did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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