just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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