i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
