You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
