So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
